Since I just last night submitted for the first round of the NYCMidnight 250-word micro fiction challenge I thought I'd share my submission from last year's final round. I didn't win any money, or even place in the top 10, but just being there in the top 125 writers out of over 5000 through two rounds was gratifying enough. Remember we are given these categories then given 24 hours to write a complete story. No small task! I've included the judges feedback after the story. The individual judges are identified by a number in brackets before their commentary.
Open genre / Action - Collapsing / Word - Stain Nine days had passed since I last took my meds. Nine days of clarity, nine days of news. I saw the nation’s impending collapse, but nobody believed my story. Rumours of Senate dissolving under Homeland Security Act A knock at my door. It remained closed. “Yes?” “You mind turning down the tv? We can hear every freaking word.” Emergency Measures Act declared They were listening. I’d been made. I had to go before they put me away again. Suitcase. Underwear, t-shirt, socks, and a toothbrush. The meds lined the bathroom counter. I continued to abstain. Health care system on the verge of collapsing First the health care, then the state. News doesn’t lie. I called my sister, she would listen. “Hello?” Her husband. I trusted him. “Adrian it’s Helen. I’ve figured it out. The pandemic is a distraction. It’s all by design.” “Designed by who?” “I can’t say on the phone. Come. Hurry, I need to leave.” “I’ll be right there.” Three knocks on the door. I opened it to Adrian, flanked by men wearing psych-ward whites. “Doesn’t have to be like this.” A needle’s sharp sting pierced my shoulder, colours dulled, thoughts slowed. “The Republic is falling, don’t you understand? They want a dictator in charge.” US President Assassinated “You see? The news speaks the truth.” “The tv is off, Helen. There is no news.” The blank screen said nothing. “You’re a better Helen on your meds.” I listened. I complied. Medication brought me reality, and reality equalled truth. -- Dear Lucien Telford, The feedback from the judges on your Final Round submission from the 250-word Microfiction Challenge 2021 is below and we hope you find the feedback helpful. Congratulations on being among the final 125 writers from an original field of over 5,400. Thank you for participating and we hope you are proud of the stories you created during the challenges! ''Seeking Truth'' by Lucien Telford - WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {2104} I certainly enjoyed your story. I thought you did a really good job showing Helen's descent into madness. I also thought the juxtaposition of "The news speaks the truth" against "...reality equalled truth" is both enlightening for the story and apt considering the times we have been living in over the past six years or so. Well done! {2035} I liked that the line between when the TV was on and off got blurred. The knock at the door asking her to turn it down made the TV's declarations feel real, which I thought made Adrian's negation at the end more satisfying. {1788} The author did a fantastic job making the reader see and understand Helen's reality. Her panicked dialogue and gestures were believable, and it was easy to empathize with her because she has strong convictions. The italicized news items made the plot more compelling. They were troubling headlines, which nicely elevated the tension as the plot progressed. {2085} Helen's character is quickly developed as the reader is given a window into her troubled mind. Then that the current social issue of mental illness is addressed creates additional depth. Finally, the ending brings the events together, yet the unease of the situation lingers. {1943} 'Seeking Truth' was a wonderfully unsettling, intriguing story. I liked the way we couldn't tell whether this was true or if Helen was an unreliable narrator. You created a nightmarish atmosphere as we wondered if these terrible things were happening while she was being medicated into submission. The arrival of Adrian flanked by psych ward workers was surprising and tense. I liked the way you showed us that she had been imagining the news reports with "The blank screen said nothing." This was a cleverly written story - I felt very uncomfortable at the end. Great job! WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {2104} The one thing I wondered about was how quickly Helen was willing to let go of her delusion. If she is in a full-blown psychotic break, would the men in 'psych-ward whites' not set off her paranoia? {2035} To me, the beginning of the story seemed to tip the rest of the story's end just a bit too much. I think that the thing about stories surrounding mental health is that they thrive when we see a character leaving no room for doubt in their mind. Perhaps dialing back the talk about her meds and instead focusing on Helen's conviction more would sharpen the story's overall focus and leave a little room for surprise. {1788} The author should consider including a personal reason for Helen's belief system. Instead of her just thinking the pandemic is a distraction, what if she was dealing with a problem that arose because of the pandemic? Maybe her sister can't visit because of the pandemic so she wants to blame someone. Perhaps she chooses to be unvaccinated, which turns off her friends, and she wants to believe the pandemic is a hoax so she can prove them wrong. It's great to touch on a political subject but consider weaving in a personal reason that drives her convictions. She'll be a more layered character as a result. "Seeking Truth" is a clever and timely piece. If the author continues to develop the protagonist, it will be in excellent shape. {2085} To add to the arc and depth in the story, consider giving a few words to Helen's emotional state and/or body language. As an additional suggestion to detail, consider clarifying who is speaking the line of dialogue that begins, "Doesn't have to..." If additional word count is needed consider streamlining some of the description. As examples to illustrate, reviewing if all the items along with the suitcase are necessary to moving the plot forward or as another example, combing the two sentences that start, "The meds lined..." and "I continued to..." {1943} I liked the revelation at the end that the TV wasn't even on. I just wasn't sure about "You're a better Helen on your meds". This made me suddenly wonder if I'd misunderstood, and if Adrian really was sinister. It felt like an odd thing for him to say to an adult. I wasn't sure if this was your intention, but if you did intend to raise this question again about the reality, then I would give us a clearer hint. This just didn't feel very authentic, so I would either make him sound reassuring and respectful, or give us a clearer sense that he was covering something up.
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This piece placed 10th in my group and landed me a spot in round two of the NYC midnight 250 word micro-fiction challenge last year.
Genre. Action. Word. Fairy Tale. Giggling. Like. 24 hours. Write! Second Chances Sixteen years had passed since Odessa last laid eyes on the iridescent shimmer of reflected sunlight off dragon scale. The creature had grown, terrifyingly so, though her eyes still sparkled with the same love and kindness Odessa had known as a child, when they had played and giggled together before the dragon’s fire came, before they were to play never more. Now she watched as her friend was marched against her will, shackled in steel and muzzled, along cobblestone streets toward the castle gates, towards a lifetime of slavery and control. Dragon-breath was a most valuable resource, those who controlled it grew to be powerful rulers. She knew it well, her father was most powerful of all. Days passed, each morning the dragon marched past, each night she returned, soot staining her nostrils, blood caking her claws. Those eyes no longer shone with love like they once had, and in time, Odessa began to see a darkness creep into their shared glances that once shone with such hope. Years before, in innocence and youth Odessa lived without rules. The daughter of a king knows no boundaries. Who else could play with a newborn dragon? But the dragon grew wings, and sought the sky, and Odessa thought to help, releasing her friend made prisoner, unlocking the chains, watching her fly. A child sees only the good. The time had come once more to share the freedom she had known in her youth. To be the child that knows only good. Lucien Telford 2021 This story landed me 2nd place in my group, and a spot in the top 125 out of over 6000 writers, to compete in the third and final round of the 2021, NYC Midnight 250 word micro-fiction challenge!
Genre. Action. Word. Sci-Fi. Pushing someone into a swimming pool. Lock. 24 hours. Write! Wet Work Backyard pools. Scenes for summertime bliss and play, no place for a homicide detective to be spending an evening. “Bot’s not showing anything unexpected, boss,” Fong said while swiping gestures through his glasses, vector graphics displayed in-lens allowing him control of the airborne drone. At their feet, the water writhed with the motion of something living. A reflective swirling metallic sheen blocking light from below its surface. Detective Woo reminisced, the ghost of his baby brother fooling around poolside after dark. A slip. A fall. A drowning. Not his fault, the psychiatrist would continue to say. “No word from the owners?” “No responses yet, boss.” “The house closed up?” “Lock and key.” Woo pulled a coin from his pocket, tossed it at the pool. It bounced, coming to rest on the tile. He dragged a wooden deck chair to the pool’s edge. “Help me lift this.” Together they hurled it at the reflective layer. The surface protection glitched, momentarily vanishing then reappearing, giving a brief glance at a headless body drifting beneath the water, simultaneously cleaving the chair in two. One half remained below. A uniformed officer approached from the home’s rear glass doors. “There’s a severed head visible on the kitchen counter. Scanned and ran it through Facial Recog and got a hit. It’s the home owner’s son.” Pushed their own child into a swimming pool with an active security layer. Not my fault, Woo reminded himself, picking up his coin, his brother’s memory no longer distant. Lucien Telford 2021 This was a flash fiction submission for NYC Midnight.
Synopsis: A teenage daughter exacts revenge on a woman she believes is stealing her father and their family vineyard. Consequences, however, can follow in unexpected ways. I stand outside my tent, staring at the sleeping bag. I know I must climb in. Since the first day my Père allowed, I had spent most nights of the year camped between the vines, listening to them grow, awaiting the day I could pull the first ripe grape and taste my family’s deep commitment to our centuries old vineyard. Beside the tent, each night, a shimmer in the darkness floats in and out of cohesion. I know Francine is only a spirit, that she has no physical capabilities. Spirits drift free on the wind. They are not of our dimension. They cannot wield a hammer, unlike that night in early November some years ago when I buried the claw of my Père’s sixteen oz. Craftsman into the back of her skull. And yet she is still here. I am cold, wet, and miserable. I want only the warmth of my sleeping bag, but my mind will not allow me to move. Standing between the rows of knotted vines, the passing rain shower easing, I pluck a grape, toss it at the bag. My shoulders grow stiff, my legs ache, my toes tingle in the cool evening breeze, damp from the rain. I stare until my eyes water, struggling to see as the grape bounces back to land at my feet. She is only a spirit. She cannot hurt me. She is only a spirit. She is only a spirit. She is only a spirit. I pull the cord and open the bag. I climb inside, shivering, shaking, teeth chattering so hard I think they will break in my jaw. I close the bag but do not zip it. I take off my coat, lay it beside me. I zip the tent closed and feel her come closer. I ignore her, yet I cannot close my eyes, recalling my troubles with disturbing clarity. After Mother passed, Père struggled to maintain the farm. She had worked as hard as he, and at thirteen, I was no substitute. A determined man, amidst the fog of grief, Père, though he needed it, refused to hire more help. When Francine appeared, with her money and her charm, she took control of our failing vineyard, my birthright. She stole Père’s heart, stole his moral compass. Then stole this farm, this piece of our family that defined us, convinced him that as partners, she could make him more money. She had stolen my Père from me. From me. Now I feel her spirit grow close. I refuse to allow fear to control me. Like the night of her death, I experience no remorse. A whisper floats beyond the tent. “Murder. Hammer. She knows. They all know.” I choose not to engage. Père eventually named her in the will to inherit this vineyard I had known all my life, removing me, the last of our bloodline, the rightful heir to our family’s heritage that had grown these vines to perfection for more than a hundred years. My decision became obvious, required. I watched as her routine became mundane. Wandering the same vine rows each evening, busy with her phone, leaving Père and I to clean after dinner, leaving us, as usual, to do the work. One evening I followed her unnoticed with ease through rows of vines I had grown up alongside, waiting for her phone’s distraction before swinging that single, fatal blow. I wonder now, where is my mother’s spirit, and why have I not once seen her, while this manipulative specter haunts me each night? And where were the generations of family apparitions that were born, worked, and died on this farm? It occurs to me that perhaps Francine and I are not so different. Perhaps she is without remorse for her ongoing ghostly harassment. “Murder,” her voice whispers again. “Murderer. Hammer.” I ignore her, inhale the scent of damp canvas, of the dew on the vines, of another season of new wine. I close my eyes and dream of the day I shall find myself visited by the ghost of my mother, rather than the heartless thief I see each night. Fond memories of my mother’s love allow me to dream until I dare to open my eyes to a moonless night, and regardless of Francine’s presence, fall back to sleep again. For the murder of Francine Gagnon, they sentenced me to two years of rehabilitation, some in Juvenile Detention, the rest I spent out here in the fields, working the vines, learning that what I had done was unjust. I dream of mother, and ask for her forgiveness, the first time I had asked that of anyone. When I awake, it is pre-dawn, the sun not yet risen. The sky brightening with shades of Pinot and Beaujolais, as though it too were ripening on the vine. A presence lay beside me, a human form of swirling smoke, displacing as I reach into it. The ghost refines into my mother, her knee-length hair unmistakable, her square jaw as strong as ever. “My love, my beautiful Adeline. She follows you for a reason. You must grow from this. Hatred has no path forward. Give her cause to forgive, so that you may both move ahead.” Her shimmer disappears in the growing morning light. I spend the day tending to the vines, for they live like us, needing love, needing daily care. I learn from them each day, but on this day, I have learned my greatest lesson. That evening, I stand outside my tent, curtains of fog rolling through the valley, obscuring the low mountains in the west. Francine visits again, and for the first time since her death, we speak. “It was wrong to take your life from you.” I say. “I should have paid with my own.” She whispers three words, “I forgive you,” then shimmers out of existence, and for the first time in years I spend the night alone in my sleeping bag, resting in peace. Lucien Telford 2022 |
Short Fiction WritingsThese are a collection of short stories, flash fiction, and micro fiction I've written largely for NYC Midnight, where I made the final round of the 250 word micro fiction challenge 2021, beating out more than 6000 other writers to compete for cash prizes against 124 other writers. I did not place with my final entry. ArchivesCategories |