Seeking Truth

Since I just last night submitted for the first round of the NYCMidnight 250-word micro fiction challenge I thought I'd share my submission from last year's final round. I didn't win any money, or even place in the top 10, but just being there in the top 125 writers out of over 5000 through two rounds was gratifying enough. Remember we are given these categories then given 24 hours to write a complete story. No small task! I've included the judges feedback after the story. The individual judges are identified by a number in brackets before their commentary.

Open genre / Action - Collapsing / Word - Stain

Nine days had passed since I last took my meds.
Nine days of clarity, nine days of news. I saw the nation’s impending collapse, but nobody believed my story.
     Rumours of Senate dissolving under Homeland Security Act
A knock at my door. It remained closed.
“Yes?”
“You mind turning down the tv? We can hear every freaking word.”
     Emergency Measures Act declared
They were listening. I’d been made. I had to go before they put me away again.
Suitcase. Underwear, t-shirt, socks, and a toothbrush. The meds lined the bathroom counter. I continued to abstain.
     Health care system on the verge of collapsing
First the health care, then the state. News doesn’t lie.
I called my sister, she would listen.
“Hello?”
Her husband. I trusted him.
“Adrian it’s Helen. I’ve figured it out. The pandemic is a distraction. It’s all by design.”
“Designed by who?”
“I can’t say on the phone. Come. Hurry, I need to leave.”
“I’ll be right there.”
Three knocks on the door. I opened it to Adrian, flanked by men wearing psych-ward whites.
“Doesn’t have to be like this.”
A needle’s sharp sting pierced my shoulder, colours dulled, thoughts slowed.
“The Republic is falling, don’t you understand? They want a dictator in charge.”
     US President Assassinated
“You see? The news speaks the truth.”
“The tv is off, Helen. There is no news.”
The blank screen said nothing.
“You’re a better Helen on your meds.”
I listened. I complied. Medication brought me reality, and reality equalled truth.
--

Dear Lucien Telford,
The feedback from the judges on your Final Round submission from the 250-word Microfiction Challenge 2021 is below and we hope you find the feedback helpful. Congratulations on being among the final 125 writers from an original field of over 5,400. Thank you for participating and we hope you are proud of the stories you created during the challenges!
 
''Seeking Truth'' by Lucien Telford -     WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {2104}  I certainly enjoyed your story. I thought you did a really good job showing Helen's descent into madness. I also thought the juxtaposition of "The news speaks the truth" against "...reality equalled truth" is both enlightening for the story and apt considering the times we have been living in over the past six years or so. Well done!   {2035}  I liked that the line between when the TV was on and off got blurred. The knock at the door asking her to turn it down made the TV's declarations feel real, which I thought made Adrian's negation at the end more satisfying.  {1788}  The author did a fantastic job making the reader see and understand Helen's reality. Her panicked dialogue and gestures were believable, and it was easy to empathize with her because she has strong convictions.
The italicized news items made the plot more compelling. They were troubling headlines, which nicely elevated the tension as the plot progressed.  {2085}  Helen's character is quickly developed as the reader is given a window into her troubled mind. Then that the current social issue of mental illness is addressed creates additional depth. Finally, the ending brings the events together, yet the unease of the situation lingers.   {1943}  'Seeking Truth' was a wonderfully unsettling, intriguing story. I liked the way we couldn't tell whether this was true or if Helen was an unreliable narrator. You created a nightmarish atmosphere as we wondered if these terrible things were happening while she was being medicated into submission. The arrival of Adrian flanked by psych ward workers was surprising and tense. I liked the way you showed us that she had been imagining the news reports with "The blank screen said nothing." This was a cleverly written story - I felt very uncomfortable at the end. Great job!    WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {2104}  The one thing I wondered about was how quickly Helen was willing to let go of her delusion. If she is in a full-blown psychotic break, would the men in 'psych-ward whites' not set off her paranoia?    {2035}  To me, the beginning of the story seemed to tip the rest of the story's end just a bit too much. I think that the thing about stories surrounding mental health is that they thrive when we see a character leaving no room for doubt in their mind. Perhaps dialing back the talk about her meds and instead focusing on Helen's conviction more would sharpen the story's overall focus and leave a little room for surprise.  {1788}  The author should consider including a personal reason for Helen's belief system. Instead of her just thinking the pandemic is a distraction, what if she was dealing with a problem that arose because of the pandemic? Maybe her sister can't visit because of the pandemic so she wants to blame someone. Perhaps she chooses to be unvaccinated, which turns off her friends, and she wants to believe the pandemic is a hoax so she can prove them wrong. It's great to touch on a political subject but consider weaving in a personal reason that drives her convictions. She'll be a more layered character as a result.
"Seeking Truth" is a clever and timely piece. If the author continues to develop the protagonist, it will be in excellent shape.  {2085}  To add to the arc and depth in the story, consider giving a few words to Helen's emotional state and/or body language. As an additional suggestion to detail, consider clarifying who is speaking the line of dialogue that begins, "Doesn't have to..." If additional word count is needed consider streamlining some of the description. As examples to illustrate, reviewing if all the items along with the suitcase are necessary to moving the plot forward or as another example, combing the two sentences that start, "The meds lined..." and "I continued to..."   {1943}  I liked the revelation at the end that the TV wasn't even on. I just wasn't sure about "You're a better Helen on your meds". This made me suddenly wonder if I'd misunderstood, and if Adrian really was sinister. It felt like an odd thing for him to say to an adult. I wasn't sure if this was your intention, but if you did intend to raise this question again about the reality, then I would give us a clearer hint. This just didn't feel very authentic, so I would either make him sound reassuring and respectful, or give us a clearer sense that he was covering something up.